Now 5 years later I can agree. There are still many moments in my job where a student tells me something or asks a question and I frantically search my brain for an appropriate response while remaining on the outside still somewhat calm, cool, and collected. Fear, doubt, worry, time or money management are still often a struggle. While it is evident that growth has occurred, the process is not over.
Sometimes this is maddening. I want to shake my fist at the process of growing up, at learning life, and becoming who God has called me to be. And then I realize that all of life points to process. I was not born a grown up. My mother might have wished that I popped from the womb ready to take care of myself, but it didn't happen. And the Bible speaks of process. If I was perfect and had it all together on my own then I would not have need. That is what many of us hope and pray for isn't it? To be in a place where we have no needs and can quickly overcome every obstacle on our own. That desire is like looking God in the face and telling Him "I don't need you." "You are not necessary, and Jesus? He was an unfortunate casualty." Wow,
what pride fills my heart.
The gospel recognizes my need and imperfection. It is God looking at our brokenness and moving towards it to heal it and restore us to the relationship with Him and others that He created us to have. The gospel is I am more flawed and broken then I can ever imagine, but I am more loved then I can ever dare hope.
Although I know this, I still have to repeat it to myself. "Reality is my friend. Embrace the process." It has become a new mantra. Inevitably, some event or surprise pops up in my life and immediately I am back at it again. Dad is sick, when is he going to get better? What will the outcome be of his health and all the needs that my family has. I have a new friend, what is going to happen with them? Friends move on. Will they still be my friend in 5 years? or will they move on without me as others have? God is providing the funds I need to be on campus. Great! I still have more. When will I be done? Who will it all come from? What will the rest of the semester look like? I enjoy my job, should I stay in this role or choose another? What will the outcome be if I stay? What will the outcome be if I move? The questions never end.
I am so caught up in arriving at the end of the process that I miss the journey. The delightful moments where God blesses me with a sweet conversation with my Dad or a note from a friend are lost in my scurry to prevent myself from loss or uncomfortable situations. I have a great time in God's word and He reveals how I have grown and then some flaw surfaces and I immediately scramble to fix it myself. No wonder I often struggle with contentment and joy.
Once again a previous lesson returns only in a different light. Not only do I have to embrace the process, but God is teaching me to lean into the moments involved in it. Many of them are good. Many teach me about God's character or myself. As I look at the obstacles or unknowns in the face I can release them to God believing that He is at work. Someone in my church Bible study said recently in regards to a stressful UK basketball game, "it doesn't matter who is ahead now, all that matters is who has the most points at the end of the game." Scripture says that in Jesus death, brokenness, and separation have come to an end. In the end all people will know Jesus is God and there will be a multitude of nations worshiping the Lord together. So to rephrase my friend from church, all that matters is who has the most points at the end of the game and I know that God wins. The process is what makes the outcome even better.
"But let me reveal to you a wonderful secret. We will not all die, but we will all be transformed! 52It will happen in a moment, in the blink of an eye, when the last trumpet is blown. For when the trumpet sounds, those who have died will be raised to live forever. And we who are living will also be transformed. 53For our dying bodies must be transformed into bodies that will never die; our mortal bodies must be transformed into immortal bodies.
54Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die,j this Scripture will be fulfilled:
“Death is swallowed up in victory.k
55O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?l”
56For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. 57But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.
58So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless."
~ 1 Corinthians 15:51-58
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